Hard Habit To Break
by chinocoop81
Summary: Lollypops and Letters AE choice C. Ryan gets injured in war and gets sent home early. Marissa tries to earn his trust back which is harder than she'd originally thought. Will they make it? RM
1. The Long and Winding Road

**_A/N So this is the first chapter of my new AE. I have no idea how long it's going to be if I'm honest, I just know that it will be more than three chapters. Marissa's POV is normal, Ryan's is in bold. I'm sorry for the shortness but I couldn't really see any other thing to put into this post, so I decided to leave it the way it is. The posts will get longer as time goes on. I don't know when I'll post again, but hopefully it will be next weekend. I'm sorry for the poor writing of this too. And I wanted to say that I was reading back over Lollypops and Letters and I got all sad when it ended. I'm sorry for such a depressing story. This one will be very angsty, but it ends happily. Um, I think that's it other than the fact that I love my reviews and would appreciate it if I had a ton of them :) R/R, enjoy!_**

The people at school were driving me insane. I felt like I was some type of celebrity that everyone just had to know the latest scoop about. Wherever I went someone turned and looked at me, raising their eyebrows and assessing me as if I was some type of nutcase that therapists were observing. I had thought that everything was normal after I had Larry and they had their time to scoff and smirk at me, but now things were back to bad again. I couldn't understand what was going on. Why had everyone suddenly started having and interest in me, Ryan Atwood's ex-girlfriend who got impregnated by a mystery guy? Well, aside from the obvious.

I went through the whole day watching people whisper and look at me, obviously curious about something. I rolled my eyes at them for the most part, but after a while it got old so I confronted one girl. School was ending in two days and I figured that if I told off one of the seniors, I'd only have two days to feel their wrath. I walk up to one who was being a real bitch about making sure I knew that she was staring at me and frustratedly ask, "What the hell is your problem? I've never done anything to you, so stop staring at me. After all this time, you still can't find other things to do than stare at the person that was pregnant?"

She rolled her eyes and eyed me up and down disgustedly, acting as if I was some horrendous creature that should be stomped on. "Actually, I'll have you know that the issue here isn't about what a slut you are."

This confuses me to the point that I forget to correct her about calling me a slut. I furrow my eyebrows and ask, "Then what is this about? You just like to pick on those below you? There are tons of other people for you to stare at, you know."

She rolls her eyes and says, "No, we're actually talking about you and your role in Ryan Atwood's injury."

I'm really confused now. "What do you mean his injury?" I ask slowly, my mind working too fast for my mouth to function at a normal pace.

She scoffs and her friends laugh a little. "You don't have to pretend like you have no clue what we're talking about. We're sure you've already been informed of what happened the other day."

"I have no idea what you are talking about," I say, my tone making them stop smiling and really stare at me. I'm upset and very worried. They must notice this because they seem to soften for just a minute.

"He got shot. He was flown in the other day after having some surgery done over there. He's in the hospital right now," The girl informed me quietly.

"No, that's impossible. He wouldn't go and get hurt like that…" I say, not really able to comprehend the fact that Ryan is mere miles away from where I stand in a hospital bed due to being shot. Not my Ryan…even though he's no longer even technically mine.

The older girl rolls her eyes and says, "Well it did happen. He's apparently at the hospital right now. They had to make sure he was stable before they flew him in, but he's still pretty out of it…or at least that's what I heard…"

I shake my head and walk away, leaving the girls standing at there staring at me in amusement. How did they think I fit into the equation? What could I possibly have to do with Ryan getting hurt? I continue through the last period of the day thinking of him, and wondering how soon I can get to the hospital.

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**I hear voices, but only one of them is powerful enough to stir me from my deep slumber. I feel pain throughout my body and for just a moment I forget how it got there, but then remember that night with the gun held to my head. It comes back to me slowly, the events playing out in my head like some great tragedy. The gun had gotten jammed, and by the time I thought of getting the knife and continuing the attempt to end my life, I was caught off guard by someone pounding furiously on the door. It had been someone who really needed to use the restroom, and in a dreamlike haze I'd gotten everything together and left the bathroom unharmed.**

**That day we had been sent on a mission to search through a building that supposedly held some terrorists. I can't remember much other than the sound of the numerous footsteps hitting the floor with a steady 'plop' even though we should've been quiet. I guess those footsteps were heard by the very people we were trying to find and capture, and they ended up firing at us. I remember feeling a very hot burning in my arm, back, and leg. I thought I was a goner, but one of my stupid unit members saved me. I'll hold it against him until the day that I finally do succeed and die. Hopefully that day is soon.**

**But I'm interrupted from my thoughts again by the voice. Her voice to be exact. I wonder what she's doing here, but then remember that I arrived back in Newport yesterday evening. I still can't comprehend what she's doing here considering she's the one that ended it with me. She's the one that didn't love me anymore, so why was she here at the hospital? To shove it in my face that we're never going to be together again? I begin to get angry and I hear a fast beeping in the room. She softly asks, "Is he going to be okay? That doesn't sound right…"**

**I hear Kirsten snap at her. "You obviously don't care if he's going to be okay. In fact, I think you should leave right now. You have no right to be here after everything that you've done to destroy his life."**

**I try to open my eyes, but my eyelids are way too heavy. I move my fingers a little and she must have noticed because she happily says, "Look, he's moving. Is he going to wake up? Ryan, can you hear me?"  
**

**I want to nod and say that I do in fact hear her. That I'm constantly hearing her voice in the back of my mind. That I never don't hear her voice because she haunts me when I try to shove her away from my thoughts. I want to say that I keep hearing her words echoing in my head that she won't marry me. That I constantly hear the way she said she loved me and try to decipher it to find some sort of trace of disgust. Instead I murmur, "Marissa," and hear a small gasp.**

**I can't see it, but I know that Kirsten glares in her direction. "You're not even supposed to be in here. I have no idea why the hospital allowed someone like you into the room, especially when it's supposed to be FAMILY only."**

"**Steve is a pretty powerful guy," I hear her reply nonchalantly. Just the name makes me slightly tense, and the beeping in the room grows even worse.**

"**What's that sound?" I hear Kirsten ask worriedly.**

Then a new voice comes into the conversation. It's a male and he says, "That's his heartbeat. I'm afraid that we're going to have to ask you to leave…"

"**Marissa," I repeat, opening my eyes and searching for her. She's standing to the left of the bed, her eyes watery from unshed tears. I look at her for a long time, and then slowly turn my head towards the doctor. "I need to talk to Marissa," I drawl out slowly, my eyelids still heavy, every movement a struggle. I'm guessing that they have me on some pretty powerful meds because I'm never this tired.**

**Kirsten looks at me in disbelief and asks, "Why do you want to talk to her? She's done nothing but cause you heartache."**

**I narrow my eyes at her and say, "I want to talk to Marissa." I look at the doctor and quietly say, "Please."  
**

**The doctor sees my heart rate go down and sighs. He's fairly young, his face handsome and concerned. He has short brown hair and green eyes that probably drive tons of his female patients crazy. I want to scoff at the idea. For a brief moment I wonder what Marissa thinks of him, but then shake the thought out of my head. She was no longer mine to worry about. "Fine, but only for a few minutes. Visiting hours are over and you really do need your sleep."  
**

**I watch them walk out of the room, Kirsten shooting daggers at Marissa. Once we're alone Marissa softly says, "I was so worried about you." She bites her bottom lip and I briefly recall a time when I sucked on that very lip as my hands moved over her body. I blink and then the image is gone.**

"**I want you to get out and never talk to me again," I say, getting straight to business. Her face goes from worried to complete shock and then to fear. "Kirsten was right, you've done nothing but cause me heartache."**

"**Ryan," She says quietly, her hand reaching for mine. I slowly pull it away, and she flinches at the move. "You don't want that. You love me, I know you do," She says, but it sounds more like she's trying to convince herself than me of the statement.**

"**I am one hundred percent positive that this is what I want," I say, looking away from her face that now has tears rapidly falling from it. "You hurt me," I say, my voice slightly breaking.**

**  
"I know I did, and I'm sorry. I wish I could take it all back, I really do," She says, making me turn to look at her face again. Her eyes find mine and she stares into them for a long time. They're the color of a stormy sea, and it makes me sick to my stomach that I could ever feel something for her. That I let her actually hurt me. "Ryan, I love you," She says softly, her eyes intensely burning into mine.**

"**I don't trust you," I reply honestly, not a single trace of bitterness or any other emotion in my voice. **

"**I'll earn your trust back," She says with a firm nod of her head. I roll my eyes and she says, "You'll see."  
**

"**Whatever, Marissa. I just want you gone. I'm supposed to rest in the hospital and you make me very tired and upset, so just leave already," I say, my voice getting slightly bitter. She quickly wipes her eyes, then leans down and kisses my forehead much to my dismay. **

"**I love you," She murmurs, and then leaves the room. I close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep, all thoughts of Marissa vanishing.**

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I pass Kirsten by on my way out and she churlishly asks, "What did he want?" I look at her and she pauses, sensing the pain in my eyes. She seems to note the fact that I've been crying and softens towards me the smallest bit. "Let me guess, he told you to get lost?" She asks, her voice a lot softer than before. She may hate me because of what I did to Ryan, but she also is a mother and in some way used to feel some kind of motherly love for me. I just nod and she says, "You really hurt him."

I nod and say, "I know. I didn't mean to…I thought it was all for the best, really, I did. I swear to you Kirsten that I never wanted him hurt. I love him too much for that…" I feel a sob break free from my lips.

She sighs and puts an arm around my shoulder. "It'll be alright. As much as I don't approve of you two right now, he still loves you."

"You think so?" I ask, looking at her through a blurred vision. "You think he still loves me?"

She nods and says, "He's Ryan, and you're Marissa. There's no denying the fact that you guys are going to be together in the end. Just give it time."

"I thought you hated me," I say softly, remembering the anger in her tone from earlier. "Why are you suddenly changing your mind and acting nice?"

She shrugs and says, "I see what Ryan doesn't; your love for him."

"What do I do?" I ask quietly. "What can I do to change things?"

"Just earn his trust back," She replies. I nod and go home, ready to start mission, 'Earn-Ryan's-Trust.'


	2. Jealous Man

_**A/N So I meant to post this last week, but then I saw some pictures of people that had killed themselves and couldn't write after that. I personally hate it when authors say that they just don't have the time, but I really don't have the time to write. I wake up early and go to bed late and I'm in no position to write during the week. I'm going to try to get another post this weekend, but I make no promises. Thank you for your lovely reviews, and R/R!**_

Operation 'Earn-Ryan's-Trust' was a lot harder than I'd initially planned. It had been two weeks since I'd last seen him and I missed him terribly. I know that two weeks is a lot shorter than the six months he'd originally been gone, but knowing that he was angry with me was harder for my conscience. Kirsten had promised she would call me when it was a good time and she thought Ryan had cooled down enough, but I still didn't have anything yet. I didn't even know how he was doing; if he was in pain or if he was even in the hospital anymore. I was beginning to wonder if she just said she'd call me to get me to go away.

I had told Sandy about Steve and he said he'd get on the case. As far as I know nothing had happened yet, but I was hoping that Steve would get arrested soon. Any day he spent with my son was a day that I risked poisoning his character, and I just wasn't ready for that. Larry did just fine without Steve and was still young enough that he'd never really know about his biological father if Steve got put away.

Imagine my surprise when my phone rang and Kirsten was on the caller ID. I quickly answered it. "Kirsten? What took so long?"

I hear her quietly whisper, "I don't really have time to talk right now, but if you could come to the hospital and I'll meet you out front."

"Wait, now?" I ask incredulously, looking around at how unproductive I was being. Larry was out and about with my mom, leaving me just sitting here looking for something to do.

She sighs and says, "Yes, now, I'll explain it all later. Okay, I have to go, I'll be outside waiting for you, so don't take too long. Bye." She hangs up the phone, not even letting me get the chance to confirm or tell her that I can't come. I sigh and look around for the car keys, my purse, and then leave.

I'd gotten my license not too long ago. I had taken Driver's Ed a while back and now I was free to drive myself around when I needed to, which I did desperately need to do now that I had a son. I arrive at the hospital quickly and see Kirsten pacing back in forth in front near a bench. I make my way over to her and say, "Okay, time to explain."

She smiles slightly at me and says, "Okay, so Ryan doesn't like being alone in the hospital, even though he won't admit to it, they scare him. Seth is busy working, Sandy's doing something with a case of his, and I really need to go do something other than stare at that TV or do a puzzle with the boy. I love him to death, but he's driving me crazy." She takes in a deep breath and then continues. "So I was thinking that you could come and keep him company."

I bite my bottom lip and ask, "Are you sure he'd even want me there?"

She laughs and says, "I know that he doesn't want you there for a fact, but he's going to get stuck with you. I already told the doctor and he agreed that it's okay for you to be there as long as Ryan doesn't start having medical problems that go along with you."

I smile slightly and say, "This is going to be fun then."

She rolls her eyes and says, "I hope so. That boy could use some fun."

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**I knew she was here before I could see her, even before I could hear her. There was something different in the atmosphere; some kind of charged energy that always seemed to appear when she did. I didn't know what she'd be doing here after I obviously told her to leave me alone, but I guess I never really did expect for her to follow the rules. What I wanted to know was why she was walking in behind Kirsten and why both of them had smiles on their faces. "Kirsten," I say tensely, refusing to look at the second woman that had so viciously stolen my heart and then ripped it to shreds.**

"**Before you get angry, let me first say that you're driving me crazy and that your doctor said it was okay," Kirsten starts, looking over at Marissa briefly before directing her eyes back to me. "And you know that you two need to talk anyways, so why not now?"**

"**Maybe because I don't even want to talk to her again," I say, finally shooting a look over at Marissa who seems unaffected by my anger, or at least is really good at hiding her feelings about it.**

**Kirsten rolls her eyes and says, "Such a boy. They never want to talk things out." She looks over at Marissa and quietly says, "Take care of him."**

"**I can take care of myself," I say stubbornly, crossing my arms over my chest. Kirsten smirks and Marissa tries to hide a twinkle of amusement in her eyes. It makes me upset that I can still detect what she's feeling. **

**Kirsten leaves after coming over to me and sternly saying, "Be nice," leaving Marissa and me all alone in a room together. A year ago I would've relished at this and probably taken her into my arms and made love to her fiercely. Instead I wish that I was off six feet under and that my gun hadn't jammed. I begin to wonder when I can give another go at attempting to kill myself when I hear her voice and my heart starts to speed up.**

"**So…" She murmurs, looking at me hesitantly and playing with her fingers. It reminds me of when I'd hold her hand in mine and never want to let go. I tear my gaze from her and look down at my own empty hands. How had so much yet so little changed with them?**

"**I don't want you here," I say softly, refusing to look at her any longer. I know that if I do I'll get lost in those eyes that I once found myself gazing into. That maybe I wouldn't be able to form the right words to convince her to leave me alone forever.**

"**I know, but Kirsten seems to think it's a good idea," She points out, slowly walking to the chair next to the bed. Every step she takes that brings her closer to me seems to take a little bit more of my breath until she's mere feet away and my lungs are completely deflated. I can't even remember how to breathe. "And you know, your parents are always supposed to know what's best for you."**

"**She's not my real mom," I point out bitterly, even surprised at myself for saying such a thing.**

**She doesn't let my statement get to her. "No, but do you think that your mom would've wanted you to forgive me if she knew that I really did love you and never meant to cause you any pain?" She asks quietly, her gaze burning into my skin. I turn and look at her briefly, our eyes connecting in a way only that two people that are meant to be can do; or at least I used to think that. **

**It takes everything for me to look away, but I do. "I don't know, my real mom's dead so it's not like I can ask her."**

"**Bitterness won't solve your problems. Neither will hating me," She say quietly. She's silent for a minute, the humming and beeping from the machines the only sound to be heard in the room. She finally says, "I would know, I used to hate the world, remember?" I roll my eyes but she continues anyways. "And I used to think that there would never be anything that could make me hate the world any less, that there was no one that could take it upon themselves to fix me…but you did." I sigh long and deep, but she doesn't seem to notice. "And falling in love with you saved me," She finishes with a small smile.**

**I roll my eyes and bitterly remark, "Well maybe I'll find someone soon that will fix the harm that you've already done."  
**

**My plan worked, she really does flinch his time. I smirk and look at her, only to be met with the saddest eyes I've seen for a while. I start to soften involuntarily when I hear another voice in the room that doesn't belong to either me or her. "Mr. Atwood, we meet again," I hear the doctor say. I sigh.**

"**I guess so Dr. So what's the plan? When can I get out of here?" I ask, tearing my gaze from Marissa's once again and instead look at the young doctor that I'd come to actually become quite fond of. He was young, yes, but that didn't mean he didn't know his stuff. So far there was nothing wrong with him. I guess I thought too soon.**

"**We'll discuss that in just a minute," He says, and then glances over at Marissa. A smile forms on his face and he says, "You must be Marissa…right?" He asks, his eyes looking at hers. I watch the interaction with wide eyes and an open mouth. This guy isn't serious right?  
**

**She nods and gives him a weird look. "Yeah, that's me…"**

"**Kirsten told me about you," He says, trying to communicate with her with his eyes about something. I stare at them bewilderedly, trying to access the potential threat I have on my hands. Not that I even want her back. Not that I care if she ever goes with another guy. Right.**

"**Oh," She says, obviously not getting what he was trying to say. He shakes his head, obviously giving up. He turns back to me and I give a small triumphant smile.**

"**So you're recovering nicely. Any pain?" He asks, the question directed towards me. He looks at my chart and I wonder what's written. It's always so nerve wracking when people have files about you in their hands.**

"**Um, sometimes near the wound, but that's it. It's not nearly as bad as when it started out," I admit happily. Let me tell you, getting shot hurts like hell.**

"**That's good," He says, then looks down at the chart some more, biting his lip. He's quiet for a second, and then says, "So I think that you should be able to leave soon. You'll have to come back in for physical therapy and such though. Recovering from this is not going to be easy…"  
**

"**Yeah, I know, long journey," I say with a roll of my eyes. If there's one thing that Atwoods can do, it's get back up on their feet after a crisis. Well, most of the time.**

**  
"This isn't to be taken as some joke," The doctor says, looking at me while shaking his head in irritation. "We've been over this before."**

"I know, which is why I also know that I don't need to be lectured over it again. I could give you the whole speech again if you really want me to," I challenge, my eyes narrowing at him.

**He shakes his head and says, "I have things to do…other patients to check on…" He looks at the clock on the wall and then back over at Marissa again. "Do you mind talking to me in the hall for just a second? I need to ask you something."**

**What the hell?! **

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I look at him with confused eyes and shrug. "Um, I guess so…"

"Great," He says, and then leads me out into the hallway. He slightly closes the door so that Ryan can't make out what we're saying and then he smiles at me. "I wanted to formally introduce myself, I'm Mark Stillwater."

"Um, okay…" I say, still not getting what he's referring to.

"Wow, he really hasn't talked about me, has he?" The doctor asks, rolling his eyes in annoyance. "Sounds just like him. He never talks about me!"

"Ryan?" I ask, totally confused.

He shakes his head and laughs. "No, Steve…"

"Wait, you know Steve?" I ask, my eyes widening in shock. He nods and I ask, "How?"

"I'm his brother…." He announces, nodding his head and sighing. "He never tells people about his family."

"Wow, this is weird," I say, finding it completely odd how attractive Steve's brother is compared to Steve. Mark has hair that is cut relatively short, but spiked, and is completely clean shaven. He has emerald green eyes that would make any girl's heart skip a beat (well, hearts that don't belong to someone else), and is lean but built.

He nods and laughs a little. "Yeah, I guess so…"

"And Ryan doesn't know?" I ask, my heart speeding up at just the thought of the boy in the room located to my left.

He shakes his head and says, "No one does, except for Steve of course. How's he doing by the way? I haven't spoken to him since he got together with your mom, assuming he's still with her…"

I sigh and wonder how much to tell this guy. I decide on the truth. "Well, congratulations, you're an Uncle."

He smiles widely and says, "That's great. When'd your mom have the baby?"

I sigh loudly and say, "That's the problem; the baby is mine."

He stares at me flabbergastedly. "What are you talking about?"

"Your brother raped me," I announce, a nurse staring at me as she passed by. I nod and shrug at her, warranting a weird look.

Mark doesn't say anything, but then nods and sighs. "He's a registered child-molester," He announces gloomily. "I just thought he was over this."

"Apparently not.."

"I know," He says, then looks back at Ryan's room. "Look, I'd love to talk about this some more sometime. Maybe I could help you a little bit. I'd love to meet my nephew…" He looks at me blankly, not sure of what my son's name is.

"Larry," I fill in with a smile.

"Yes, Larry," He says, and then murmurs, "Laugh and touch my arm."

I stare at him with a puzzled expression. "What?"

"Just do it, Ryan's looking…" he says, giving me a fake smile.

I laugh and put my hand on his arm, then ask, "Was that okay?"

He glances towards the room quickly and then says, "It was great. He totally bought it." He smiles at me, this time for real, and then says, "Whatever is going on with you two.." he jerks his head in Ryan's direction. "I hope it works out."

I smile and look back towards the room, seeing a glaring Ryan. "Me too."

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**Marissa walks back into the room and the doctor says, "So is tonight fine?"**

**She nods and smiles softly at him. "Yeah, it sounds great. I'll let my mom know about dinner." He nods and then walks away, leaving Marissa alone in the doorway staring at me.**

**She laughs and walks towards the chair, shaking her head and rolling her eyes. "What's so funny, something your new buddy told you?" I mumble, crossing my arms over my chest; a habit I picked up from Marissa.**

**She shakes her head and says, "No, you're just so cute when you get all worked up and jealous."  
**

"**I am not jealous," I stubbornly say.**

**She nods and sarcastically says, "Uh huh."**

"**Why would I be jealous of you and the older doctor? There's nothing going on with you and me, and so what if you have a relationship with a guy that's over ten years older than you and the relationship is illegal? It's all fine with me…" I say, rolling my eyes at her, attempting to block out my obvious annoyance.**

"**You know, technically me and you are illegal now?" She asks, a smile playing on her lips.**

"**That's not even the point," I say with another roll of my eyes, meanwhile calculating to see if what she said is correct. It doesn't take me long to realize it is.**

"**Then what is the point?" She asks with a smirk.**

"**The point is that I don't care if you date some guy that's twenty years older than you…"  
**

"**Ten," She corrects amusedly.**

**I glare at her and then say, "Anyways, I don't care if you date some guy that's twenty years older or twenty minutes older…"**

"**What about younger?" **

**I narrow my eyes and say, "You're not listening to me."**

"**That's not true, I know everything you've ever said to me," She says, her voice obviously softening and losing its amusement.**

"**I still don't care if you're with someone else," I mumble.**

**She smiles again and says, "I know." We both know that it's a lie.**

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"**She touched his arm. She laughed and just reached out and touched it."**

**Seth rolls his eyes. "You've said that how many times already?"**

"**That's not what's important," I point out, pointing my spoon at him. **

"**Then what is important, Ryan?" Seth asks with a sigh. "Because I have no idea what is."**

"**What's important is that Marissa might be dating some guy that's over ten years older than her," I say.**

"**So what? You guys aren't together, so you shouldn't care right?" Seth asks with a smirk.**

"**I don't care," I say belligerently.**

"**Then why are you bringing this up so much?" Seth asks, looking back at the TV. "Because you know, the Valley marathon doesn't last forever and this is a really good episode…"**

"**Fine," I say, taking another bite of my Jell-O. Seth leans back in the chair and watches the TV for a while, but then I can't help myself. "And what's up with all the smiles and the obvious flirting? That guys is so not professional."**

"**And you're so in love with your ex-girlfriend," Seth remarks.**

"**I am not," I say, shooting a look in his direction.**

**  
"Dude, don't even deny it. You've done nothing but talk about her for the last two hours that I've been here," Seth says, laughing to himself. "You know you're just causing yourself heartache. Even my mom thinks that you guys belong together, and two weeks ago she could've created some random 'I-hate-Marissa' club on the internet."**

"**Whatever," I say, staring at the TV. **

"**I thought so," Seth says, turning up the volume.**

**I'm quiet for another five minutes before saying, "But seriously, touching the guy's arm? Who does that?"  
**

**Seth rolls his eyes and groans. "Here we go again…"**

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_**I'm too tired to do the individual replies, so please try to understand! If you have any questions/concerns/etc, email me or PM me. Otherwise, review, review, review!**_


	3. Baby Love

_A/N Okay, I know it's been a while since I last wrote, but I wasn't very inspired. I made myself write this today though, and I hope you guys like it. It's long, so you should enjoy that : ) Anyways, I'm not doing the individual reviews this time cause I am getting pestered by my younger brother. I hope you guys are all alright though. Remember, the more reviews I get and the faster I get them really does make me more inspired, giving you faster updates, so R/R!!_

**I walk into the pool house for the first time since I left it all those months ago. It looks exactly the same, but I feel like somehow I've changed. I slowly limp my way to the bed where I sit down slowly, trying not to bother my leg or arm. The injuries make it hard to move and I find I'm constantly in pain. The doctor said that I'm going to have the pain reduced, but it will always be there, but I have other plans. I figure if I can get shot all these times and survive the worst broken heart in the history of the world then I can deal with this too. I have to walk with a cane for the time being, but I figure that won't last either. I'm an Atwood and Atwoods are strong.**

**Since I hadn't been here in a long time, I had kind of forgotten exactly what was in my room. From my place on the bed I let my eyes drift across the room, eying my Journey Poster that I got when Sandy took me to go see them and smiled at the memory. My eyes turn to the other side of the room and I see that Kirsten had put some bagels in a basket for me in case I didn't feel like leaving the pool house anytime soon. I felt touched, but it didn't really reach my heart. I then look at the TV and see that it's in the same place, but been dusted off so that it still looks like I had just been here yesterday. I look at the side of my bed and see that it still has some shoes from when I had thrown them carelessly the night that Marissa didn't flick the lights. My mind briefly goes back to that time and the heartache I had endured. My fists clench a little at my sides, making my arm sore from the strain. I let out a little whimper of pain, and then get angry at myself for showing any weakness there. I lay down against the bed when I see it; a picture of her.**

**My arms are wrapped around her in and her body is angled towards me. I'm smiling at her and trying to lean in to kiss her, but she was pulling back and laughing, not wanting to kiss me in front of Kirsten. Kirsten had picked up the camera and followed us around that day as we stayed at the house, a couple of weeks before I left for training camp. I close my eyes and try to remember that time.**

"_**You two are just so adorable together," Kirsten says, a smile on her face, the camera in her hand. **_

"_**Come on, you know I don't like pictures," I say, rolling my eyes at Kirsten. I see the camera flash and glare at her.**_

_**  
Marissa laughs and the sound makes my heart skip a beat. I turn to her and see her eyes dancing. "Come on, let's just pretend she's not here."**_

_**I grin and say, "Okay.." I lean in for a kiss, but she pulls away and laughs. "Come on, one kiss," I say, laughing just a little bit.**_

_**She shakes her head and says, "Not when she's taking pictures…"**_

_**I tighten my arms around her and she stills in my arms, suddenly looking like she's breathless. Her eyes stare into mine and I tilt my head in that way that I know she likes. "I won't be able to kiss you anymore in a couple of weeks," I remind her, the smile now gone from my face. She looks down at my lips and bites her own, nodding a little bit. Then she looks back up into my eyes and I nuzzle my face against hers, breathing in her lavender smell. I close my eyes and feel her melt in my arms.**_

"_**I don't want you to leave," She murmurs, Kirsten suddenly forgotten. She leans her lips up and touches them against mine in a gentle, longing kiss. I feel the flash and pull back to look at Kirsten with raised eyebrows. She has the camera in one hand, a smile on her face, but tears in her eyes.**_

_**I pull Marissa to my body and feel her snuggle up against me. "What's wrong?" I ask Kirsten, my voice concerned.**_

_**She shakes her head and says, "It's nothing…"**_

_**I give her a look that tells her I don't buy it. "Come on, I know you and I know it's something, so what is it?"  
**_

_**She sighs and says, "I watch you two and I wonder how much things are going to change."**_

_**I narrow my eyes at her and say, "We're not going to change at all. I won't let us." Marissa looks up into my eyes and I give her a small smile. She smiles back and I feel my heart warm at the simple yet meaningful thing. Kirsten doesn't say anything, but watches us. We hear Sandy call her and she sighs.**_

"_**Alright, you guys are saved from the camera for now," She jokes, and then leaves us alone. **_

_**I turn back to Marissa and in response to what she'd said earlier say, "I don't really want to leave anymore either…at least not right now." **_

_**She sighs and tears start to form in her eyes. "Then why are you going to leave? Why when things are so great between us? Maybe Kirsten's right…maybe things will change between us."**_

_**I shake my head and lift my hands up to her face, framing it with my fingertips. "We're not going to change. As much as neither of us wants to admit, maybe me going away will be a good thing."**_

"_**How?" She asks incredulously. "What good could possibly come from us being apart for that long?"**_

_**I sigh and shrug. "I don't know, we could have hot, steamy sex when I get back?" I grin and she rolls her eyes, slapping my chest lightly.**_

"_**Ryan!" She exclaims, trying to hide back her giggles.**_

_**I laugh and ask, "What? You know it's true…"**_

_**She rolls her eyes and says, "I don't know…" **_

_**I can tell she's joking by the way her eyes sparkle and light up as she speaks. I lean down and capture her lips into another kiss, this time more passionate and steamy. "So when I come back after months of being apart you won't want this?" I kiss her harder, slipping my tongue into her mouth. She melts like putty into my hands and I grin a triumphant smile. I pull back a little and lean my lips down to her neck. ""Or this?" I start to slip my hands up her shirt…**_

_**She pulls back breathlessly and says, "Pool house. Now."**_

"_**If you insist," I say, lifting her up and carrying her out of the kitchen and to the pool house. She laughs, but her eyes still hold a strong desire. I set her down on the bed and stare at her for a minute, but she quickly pulls my face down so that our lips unite. I laugh and mumble, "Someone's anxious."**_

_**She mumbles back, "I can't help it, you're just too sexy to turn up." She grins and looks into my eyes teasingly.**_

_**I laugh and say, "Yes, I am." I lean down and start to kiss her neck; one of my favorite places on her body. I love the way she sinks into the bed and moans as my lips lightly nibble the skin at her pulse point and the way her skin just seems to sigh whenever my lips moved over it. "You're pretty damn sexy too though…"**_

"_**Oh is that right?" She asks, her voice coming out in ragged whispers.**_

"_**Mhmm," I murmur, and continue the assault with my lips on her body. I start to lift up her shirt and reveal her bra, my heart thudding hard against my chest in anticipation. I start to unhook it…**_

"**Ryan? Ryan, wake up!" I hear, and am jolted away from my rather erotic dream. I look around for the source of disturbance from my rather enjoyable nap, and then see the last person I had expected to. **

"**Marissa?" I ask, my eyes widening. I feel my current state of arousal and try to cover it the best I can. "Um…what are you doing here?" I'm so surprised that I completely forget to be bitter towards her.**

**I only then notice that she has a baby in her arms along with a bunch of bags. I feel bad that she's carrying so much, and would help her, but I'm both angry with her for ditching me and painfully in a state that would be embarrassing for her to see…especially if she knew that the reason I was like this was because of a certain memory of her. I try to forget what I'd just been dreaming about because the object of affection the dream is standing right in front of me and even though I don't want to admit it, is pretty damn sexy looking all frazzled and worn out. If only I had done that to her…**

**I get myself back into the present as she asks, "Do you know where Kirsten is?" I shake my head and she groans. "I really need her…"**

"**For what?" I ask, still forgetting how mad I'm supposed to be with her. **

**She looks down at the ground for a moment, and then her face lights up and she looks at me with a certain twinkle in her eyes that she gets when she has an idea. I raise my eyebrows and she walks towards me, dropping her bags on the ground. "Hey, Ryan…have you met Larry?" I look at the baby in her arms and shake my head. I feel my heart start to be erratically, afraid by the thought of actually being faced with the thing that tore us apart. Marissa continues to walk towards me and I try to think of a million other things other than how good her body looks right now. So instead, I focus on the baby in her hands, and find myself becoming less and less turned on until I'm in my normal state. She hands me Larry and I awkwardly hold him away from my body, not knowing what else to do. I was afraid of hurting the kid, so I just sort of sat there with a frown on my face, holding a baby that I didn't want to be holding.**

"**Aw, look at you two," Marissa coos, her eyes vibrant and glowing. I try to ignore the fact that this could've been a baby we shared together if she let us. We stay like that for a few minutes, me holding the son I wish I could've had like he was a bomb, and Marissa just watching us. Most probably would've given back Larry the minute he was placed into their hands if they were in my situation, but I didn't really see such a problem in holding him. For the moment I wasn't really thinking. "Okay, well, I'll be back to pick him up at three."**

**Now I was in the present. "What?!" I practically yell at her. I look at her and see her smiling sheepishly at me.**

"**Well, Kirsten was supposed to watch him because I had something to do and she's not here, so I really need someone to watch him…" She admitted.**

"**What about your mom? Or his dad?" I ask, my voice slowly growing bitter. She winces a little bit at the sudden change in my attitude.**

"**My mom is going to be with me, and Steve isn't going to be able to watch him due to the fact that the reason we're all going to be out and about is that Steve has a court date today…"**

"**What's he doing, getting sued for a bunch of money?" I ask, rolling my eyes.**

**Marissa visibly deflates in front of me and shakes her head. In barely a whisper she says, "No, I'm charging him with the rapes. Sandy says we have a pretty firm case considering the fact that the paternity test shows that Larry is his…"**

"**Wait, Sandy's been helping you with this?" I ask, clearly baffled. **

**She nods and says, "Yeah. I told him not to tell you because I wanted to do that myself…" She looks at me expectantly, almost like a dog that's waiting to be praised. What does she want from me? **

"**Look, I'm glad that you're finally going to do something about that jackass, but I'm tired and this kid isn't mine," I say, my voice tired. "I just got back from the hospital today and I really need to get my rest…"**

**She nods and her bottom lip trembles like she's about to cry. "I know, but I just…" Her voice trembles a little bit. "I would never ask you if it wasn't this important…"  
**

**It's the broken look she gives that makes me finally cave in. "Fine, but only until three."**

**She grins and happily throws her arms around me. I smell it again; lavender. Instead of my erotic fantasy, I remember that night when I tried to kill myself. I really wished that I hadn't failed. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love you!" She pulls back suddenly, realizing what she just said and quickly added, "I didn't mean it like that…"  
**

**I nod and say, "I know." **

**She gives a relieved smile and I shrug. "Well, I should probably be going," She says, stepping away from me. She picks up Larry from my arms and smiles at him, cooing something at him that I can't understand. "I just love it when he smiles," She says, looking over at me with dancing eyes. I don't say anything; just watch her with an indifferent expression. She doesn't let it get to her and places Larry back in my arms. "I'll call you when I get the chance to check in. His food is in this bag…you know how to heat up a bottle right?"**

**I glare at her and say, "Yes, I know how to heat up a bottle, I'm not totally clueless."**

**She raises her hands and says, "I was just making sure." She smiles at me and says, "Besides, I think you'll be great at this."**

"**Because I look like babysitter material?" I ask with raised eyebrows and a smirk.**

"**No, because I always kind of pictured you as a good dad…and if you're a good dad, you're a good babysitter," She says softly, her eyes not daring to look in my direction, rather diverting to stare at her feet.**

"**So…three?" I ask, not bothering to comment on the comment. She looks up at me, her eyes intent and full of something I can't really make out…was that regret? I clear my head of the thoughts as she nods. "Alright, not a minute later."**

**She smiles and says, "Thanks again…"**

**  
I nod and say, "It's fine. Now go before I change my mind."  
**

**She nods and gives me a soft smile before walking away, leaving me with the kid. I set him down on the bed and watch him for a moment, noticing that he's awake and observing the surroundings. I look down at him and he looks at me curiously, his gray eyes wide and alert. "Um…I'm Ryan…" I say, sticking out my finger for him to grab. He looked at my finger in front of his and then grasped it tightly, making me wince a little. "You have a strong grip," I say, raising my eyebrows at him. He gives a gummy grin and I laugh a little bit. He seems slightly small, but I can't tell if that's an accurate observation or if I'm just completely clueless when it comes to babies. He has his father's eyes, but Marissa's light brown, almost blonde hair and high cheek bones. The shape of his face is like Steve's and even though I don't like the guy, he actually can produce pretty cute offspring. "So…what do you want to do?" I ask Larry. He just stares at me and I roll my eyes and laugh a little. I glance at the clock, see it's only ten and mumble, "It's going to be a long, long day." Larry smiles his toothless smile again and I laugh some more, rolling my eyes.**

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**At about noon Larry just wouldn't stop crying. I put my hands over my ears and sigh. "You, kid, need to be quiet!" I say, raising my voice over the loud cries. He just stares at me and then if possible, starts to cry louder. I groan out in frustration and then by some miracle my phone rings. "Hello?" I say as I answer the phone, not even bothering to check and see who it is.**

"**Hey, how's it going?" Marissa asks on the other end. **

**I sigh and say, "Your son won't stop crying."**

"**Did you try feeding him, he ate at around nine thirty this morning…" **

"**Yes, I fed him," I say through clenched teeth. "And I burped him too."  
**

"**Well, does he need a diaper change?" **

"**Um…" I say, mentally kicking myself for forgetting about that.**

**She laughs and says, "I bet that's what the problem is."**

**I look at Larry and frown. "Um, Marissa?" I ask quietly.**

"**Yes, Ryan?" She asks, a smile in her voice. She was clearly enjoying this.**

"**Well, see, I've never really changed a diaper before…" I admit, rubbing the back of my neck a few times, feeling the heat creep up my neck and to my cheeks. At least she couldn't see me blush, which was a blessing.**

**She laughs and asks, "Do you want me to walk you through it?" I nod, and even though she can't see me, she says, "Okay, go to the diaper bag…"**

**She talks me through the entire process, earning the lines, "That's gross," and, "I can't believe I actually agreed to this…" When I was done, I looked down at a happy little baby and rolled my eyes. "I can't believe I didn't think of that…"**

**Marissa laughs and says, "It's fine, it's your first time babysitting.."**

"**Yeah, first and only," I say with a small snort. She remains silent on the other line and I feel slightly bad, but then remember all the things she did to me and I suddenly don't feel guilty anymore. "So how's the trail going?" I ask, sitting beside Larry on the bed, giving him my finger to play with.**

**Marissa sighs on the other end. "We're just waiting for our case to come up. There are a bunch of people in front of us today. Sandy said that we needed to be here though. He says that Steve is supposedly going to plead guilty."**

"**Really?" I ask, slightly surprised.**

"**Yeah. Apparently Steve isn't up to going through a full blown trial when there's a large chance he'll lose," She says, her voice slightly more up beat.**

"**Well that's good. It means that you can finally get that jerk out of your life for good," I say, kind of happy about that.**

"**Yeah, it will be great," She says, a smile in her voice again. She's quiet for a moment and then says, "Look, I have to go, but if there's anything wrong, you can text me and I'll try to get back to you as soon as I can…"  
**

"**Alright, I'll let you go then." I hang up the phone before I can go through the awkward part about whether or not to say I love you or when to hang up. I put the phone on the nightstand and sigh. I was so confused. I wanted to die, but I really wasn't acting like it was I? What was that supposed to mean? I looked down at Larry and said, "I don't know, kid, life is too complicated sometimes." Larry just stares at me and then his head jerks, almost looking like he's nodding. "I'm glad you agree," I joke. I play with Larry for a little bit, but keep my distance for the most part. If there's one thing that I don't want, it's to be in his life. He's cute and all, but I don't want to be in Marissa's life again. If anything, I don't want to be in life at all. **

**I sigh and lean back on the bed, keeping an eye on Larry. He has some toy by him and is staring at it intently. I begin to think of ways to end it. I could cut myself, but that didn't really seem like something I would do. I could hang myself…but again, not something I was up to doing. I'd like something quick and easy, bang and then, bam, you're gone. A gun would be preferable, but where could I find one?**

**That's when it hit me. My mom used to have one. When we went through my belongings, I'd hidden it from everyone. The Cohens never knew I had it, and I had completely forgotten about it. I didn't really need it anymore, until now. Now I just needed to find it and then….**

**I look at Larry and hand him the toy, suddenly very happy. Now it wasn't a matter of if, but when.**

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**At one Larry wouldn't stop crying again. After feeding him some more, burping him, changing his diaper, and giving him his pacifier, he still didn't stop. I sighed and texted Marissa, "Help."**

**Before I knew it, her voice was on the other end of the phone. "What's the problem?" She asked, but didn't seem very concerned. In fact, she sounded really at ease with the whole thing. I knew if I left someone as inexperienced as I was with my baby I'd be pretty worried, especially if they were so young. Then I remembered that Marissa deeply trusted me and it made my stomach feel queasy.**

"**He won't stop crying, and I've tried everything. I've changed his diaper, fed him, burped him, given him his pacifier, given him his toys…"**

"**What about holding him?" She asks.**

"**Holding him?" I ask, completely baffled by this statement.**

**She laughs a little and says, "Yeah, he likes to be held…and he likes it when you talk to him. He's probably sleepy, and that's really the only way to put him to sleep."**

"**Okay…I guess I could try that…" I say, looking down at the kid again. He was screaming bloody murder and I was sure I had already lost part of my hearing. **

**She laughs a little more and then says, "Okay, I'll let you go then." **

"**Alright, bye." I hang up the phone and awkwardly pick up Larry, cradling him against my body in the way that I always see people holding babies. He quieted down, now just whimpering. Was it really this easy? "Your mom says you want me to talk to you so you can fall asleep," I tell him matter-of-factly, leaning against the pillows on my bed. I get myself comfortable and yawn, suddenly feeling very tired myself. "Hmm…what to talk about..." I say, searching around for something. "I don't know any stories or whatever…" I look down at Larry and see him looking up at me with an expression of awe and wonder, almost like I had created the heavens and Earth…just like his mom looks at me. **

**I don't know why, but I soon find myself saying, "She was always so depressed looking, like she didn't really care about the world. Your mom was beautiful – is beautiful – but it seemed like she didn't know that herself. Almost like she didn't really believe anything or anyone…like she was living but not really here…" I look off into space and remember the first time I saw Marissa. It wasn't that day when she ran into me, like everyone thought it was. I had silently observed her before, until finally I just wanted to know her. "She looked up at me, and she looked like she was looking right through me, like I wasn't really there. She didn't look like she was alive, but rather like she was dead. I didn't know what to say at first. She took my breath away. She's always had a knack for doing that…" I smile a little without realizing it. "I don't know when I fell in love with her, it just sort of happened. I guess I was always drawn to her in some mysterious way…" I continue to talk about Marissa, about the way she slowly started to come to life in front of my eyes. And before I knew it, I realized I wasn't talking to Larry anymore, that he was asleep and had been for a long time. I yawned and figured I'd close my eyes for a brief second…**

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I walk into the pool house without knocking and am about to say hello when I hear the soft snoring of my son and Ryan. I shut my mouth and walk further into the pool house, quietly closing the door behind me. I look at the bed where I see a sleeping Ryan with his arms around my sleeping son. I bite my lip to hide a smile and grab my phone and walk towards them. I just can't help myself, so I take a picture of the two of them. I look at how the picture comes out and grin widely, my heart soaring at the beautiful picture that my two favorite boys in the world make. I walk over to the side of the bed and carefully get on so that I don't disturb them. I cuddle up into Ryan's side, but he doesn't wake up, just continues to softly snore. I close my eyes and try to pretend like this is the way things have always been, that this is completely normal. I open my eyes and stare at the man I love holding my precious son and vow to myself that no matter what happens, I would never give up on Ryan, no matter how much he wanted me to.

I lay there for a while, trying to savor the moment. I finally get up and move to a sitting position, and tenderly brush some of the hair from Ryan's face. His eyes quickly fly open and he stares at me, his face shocked and confused at first, but then his expression quickly becomes angry and withdrawn. "What are you doing?" he asks quietly so he doesn't wake Larry.

"Just waking you up so that I could get Larry," I say, trying to hide the hurt in my voice from his angry attitude towards me. I thought we were doing so well today…

He hands me Larry, or rather practically shoves him at me, and then gets as far away from me as possible. "Okay, there, you have him, you can go now…"

"Why are you so upset with me?" I ask, staring at him with a look of bewilderment. "We were civil to each other all day, and then suddenly you take a nap and everything changes?"

He shakes his head and says, "I don't have to explain anything to you. Don't for one minute think that just because I did you a small favor today means that we're going to get back together, or ever even be friends again."

"Ryan, I was just waking you up," I protest, putting Larry in his car seat and then turning to face the man I love again.

"You could've shaken me, you could've said my name, but instead you act like I'm yours to touch, but I'm not…not anymore," He says, crossing his arms over his chest much like I used to do.

"Shaking you would've been touching you," I point out.

He glares at me and says, "You know what I mean." He looks at Larry and then his eyes divert back to me. "Look, I'm tired, so why don't you just take your son and get out of my pool house?"

"You don't have to be a jerk," I say through clenched teeth, trying not to let him see how much his words are tearing into me.

"I think I have a right to be a jerk after everything you've put me through," he says, his eyes narrowing accusingly at me.

"I'm sorry for everything I've done, but I'm trying to change it," I say with a sigh.

"I don't want to hear it. So why don't you go your way and I'll go mine?" He says, suddenly sounding very tired and defeated.

"I'm not going to do that," I say, getting tired of this. "I'm tired you acting like I'm this bad person. Yes, I hurt you, Ryan, I know that, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you, because I do. I love you more than pretty much everything, and you act like I'm this huge monster…" I begin to get angry, letting all my frustrations come out on him. "I thought we could get past all this hate, but all you can do is stay stuck in the past. Why'd you even help me today if you hate me so much?"

"I helped you because you needed help, and even though I don't really like you, I would've helped Taylor if she came here looking for a babysitter," He says, bitterness in his tone. "So don't you for one second think it has anything to do with you."

I roll my eyes and say, "Whatever. I'm not just going to walk out of your life, just like you never really walked out of mine, so you can let yourself believe that you can get rid of me, but it's not the truth." I grab all of Larry's stuff and turn to Ryan one last time. "I'll see you around."

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**I don't know why I suddenly acted so mean, I just couldn't really help myself. It was the look in her eyes as I woke up, that look of pure love and devotion. She looked at me just like I used to stare at her, and it brought back all these memories of when she was mine and I was hers and everything was okay. That would've been alright if it wasn't for the fact that whenever I remember that, I remember that painful stab in the heart that came afterwards and I just sort of snapped.**

**I go into my closet the moment she leaves and look around for that gun. It had to be here somewhere, right? I start searching through some boxes and stuff when I hear Kirsten's voice in the room. "Ryan Atwood, get over here right now!"**

**I sigh and close my eyes, then walk out of the closet. "Yes?" I ask, crossing my arms over my chest in boredom.**

"**What did you do to that poor girl to make her practically run out of here?" Kirsten asks, glaring at me in disapproval.**

"**She asked for it," I mumble, refusing to meet Kirsten's eye.**

"**Whatever inner demons you're fighting, keep her out of them. You may think she's all bad, but that girl loves you, and sooner or later you're going to realize that." She sighs and then starts to walk out of the pool house. "So save us all the trouble and learn that so we can all be civil again." She slams the door behind her, rattling the glass. I sigh and walk over to the bed, sitting down once again, my previous mission postponed once more. I'd find the gun later. Right now I just needed to continue the nap that Marissa had so rudely interrupted. I lay my head against the pillow and almost immediately fall asleep, finding myself back in the night that I tried to kill myself. This time the gun didn't jam. This time the bullet went straight to my head and killed me. This time I finally got the happy ending I'd been wanting since the day she told me it was over.**


	4. Hanging By A Moment

_A/N I hope you guys enjoy this. Thank you for all the reviews. When I'm not sleep deprived I will reply to you guys. Until then, you'll just have to trust that I love all of your wonderful reviews. Sailaway, there will be some flashbacks from when she broke up with him in the next chapter. Um, there are two chapters left of this story. R/R, enjoy!_

**I haven't spoken to Marissa in three weeks. She's been over at the house and we've caught the other's eye, but we don't really acknowledge each other. I know she's trying to give me my space and is hoping it will all blow over with time, but she's going to be in for a major letdown when she finds out that my feelings are going to stay the same until the day I die, which will hopefully be soon. The search for the gun so far has turned up inconclusive. It frustrates me all the time that I can't find the gun. It's like the universe just doesn't want me dead or something. **

**I'm at the doctor's office right now waiting for them to call me in. Kirsten is sitting beside me fidgeting with her hands which can only mean she's up to something. I look over at her and raise my eyebrows. "Is there something you want to tell me?" I ask. She shakes her head and I roll my eyes. "I know it's something because you refuse to look at me and you're messing with your hands, so why don't you just save yourself the trouble and tell me?" She opens her mouth to speak, but then the door opens and in walks Marissa. She shuts her mouth and smiles instead. "Oh," I say disgustedly, a sigh escaping me.**

**Marissa comes and sits in between me and Kirsten, earning an even bigger look of disgust to come about on my face. "Sorry I'm late, I was changing Larry and making sure everything was okay for my mom…"**

**Kirsten gives Marissa a half hug and says, "All that matters is that you made it. I'm sure Ryan is pleased, aren't you Ryan?" She looks over at me with a look that told me to be nice, but I didn't really feel like listening to her.**

"**Nope," I reply, leaning back in my chair. **

"**It's nice to see you too," Marissa mumbles under her breath, thinking I can't hear her.**

**I roll my eyes and ask, "What makes you think you even have the right to be here?"**

**Kirsten sighs and says, "I invited her."  
**

"**I'm not talking to you," I say, glaring at the two of them. Kirsten looks as if I physically hit her, but Marissa just stares me out of disappointed eyes. **

"**I don't need to put up with your anger anymore. You two have some issues you need to work out, so I'm just going to leave," Kirsten says, standing and refusing to look at me.**

"**Kirsten," I say, more of a whine than anything.**

**  
"No, you two stay here," Kirsten says, and then walks out before she can cry in front of me.**

"**Nice going, you hurt Kirsten too," Marissa says, shaking her head in disgust.**

**  
"You're one to talk about hurting people," I say through clenched teeth, refusing to look at her.**

"**The longer you hold that inside of you, the more it's going to eat you up and before long you're going to realize that there's no need to be angry at me," Marissa says, staring at me intently. **

"**There's no need to be angry at you?!" I yell, earning the glare of the receptionist. I sigh and lower my voice. "It seems like I have every right to be mad at you."**

**  
"That may be true, but you have no right for being mad at Kirsten," Marissa adds, shaking her head again. **

"**She's butting in where no one wants her," I reply, staring straight ahead.**

"**I want her in my life, and she wants me in yours and hers, so obviously someone wants her," She says angrily.**

**I ignore her statement and continue. "She thinks that we're going to get married or something, and she's getting prepared for you to be her daughter-in-law, but I have news for you both…it's never going to happen. I think I'd rather marry anyone than you and the sooner you realize that, the happier we'll all be."  
**

**Marissa doesn't say anything, just stares down at her hands. I wonder if she's about to cry, but don't let it get to me. After everything she deserves to feel my anger right? She started all of this, after all. She didn't have to do what she did. She could've let me help her. **

"**Ryan Atwood, the doctor's ready to see you now," I hear someone say. I stand and stare at Marissa who composes herself and then stands, offering me a smile.**

"**Hopefully we'll get some good news," She says, her eyes glistening. I have to wonder if she was just talking about the doctor.**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Mark checks some things on Ryan but I don't really know what. I just sort of sit there in the chair provided with my arms crossed over my chest thinking about what Ryan said in the lobby. I know I shouldn't let his anger get to me, but it still hurt to hear him say that. Wasn't it just last year that we were talking about spending forever together? I know it's my fault and that I'm the one that pushed away, but I just wish that he could see why I did that. It wasn't for my enjoyment, because living a life without him was pure hell, but it was that I wanted to make a better life for him. That obviously backfired.

"I'll be back in a little bit with more information," Mark says, and then looks at me. "So, dinner tonight? I know of this nice little Italian restaurant that I'm sure you and your mom would love."

I shrug and say, "Sounds great. I'll talk to my mom about it in a little bit."

He nods and says, "Okay, I'll call you then."

When he walks away I see Ryan staring at me in disbelief and jealousy. I laugh and he bitterly asks, "What's so funny?"

"You," I reply. He raises his eyebrows and I giggle. "Mark--"

He cuts me off by saying, "Oh, so you're on the first name basis…great."

I giggle some more and say, "Ryan, Mark is Steve's brother. He's been helping my mom and me out since Steve got arrested."

Ryan frowns and his eyebrows furrow. "I didn't know Steve had a brother.'

I shrug and honestly say, "I didn't either until I met him."

"So that's why you guys were talking that one time in the hallway?" Ryan asks, realization dawning on him. I nod and he says, "Oh."

"Why, did you think I seriously would consider going out with him?" I ask softly, staring into Ryan's eyes. It pains me to see how guarded he is around me now, and I can't make it into his soul like I used to. When he doesn't say anything I softly murmur, "I could never date anyone but you."

He doesn't say anything and Mark comes back in. He smiles at us warmly and then looks at Ryan. "So now that the examination is over, is there anything you want to talk to me about? Any pain?"

Ryan nods and says, "It hurts to walk and my back constantly hurts too. How long until that goes away?"

Mark frowns and says, "I can up your pain medication, but it's not going to go away anytime soon, if ever at all."

Ryan stares at him blankly and asks, "What do you mean, 'if ever at all'? I'll be fine to do everything I used to right?"

Mark sighs and sits down in his rolling chair. "I told you when you were in the hospital that things were going to be difficult, but tests show that the bullet that got you in the back hit a nerve. You're lucky to be walking at all."

"So you're saying if I ever wanted to play basketball or any other sport again I won't be able to?" Ryan asks, staring intently at the doctor. I put my hand over one of his but he flinches and pulls away.

"I'm sorry, I thought I made it clear last time…" Mark says, clearly at a loss.

"You've got to be kidding me," Ryan says, standing up and pacing a little bit. I see how such a small act causes him pain and I try to comfort him in some way again, but he shakes me off.

"With extensive physical therapy you could start playing again, but you'd never be as good as you once were," Mark says, letting a long sigh escape his lips. "I'm sorry, I wish there was more I could do.."

"There isn't," Ryan snaps at him. He glances at me with agony burning in his eyes and my heart breaks for him. He walks towards the door and says, "I can't be here."

"Ryan…" I say softly, my voice a broken whisper.

He doesn't turn but freezes right where he is. He looks down at his shoes and then says, "I just need to be alone right now."

I watch him walk away and turn to Mark. "You probably could've said that in a better way," I say with a sigh.

He nods and says, "I didn't mean for it to come out that way.."

I shake my head and say, "I know."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

When I showed up at the Cohen house without Ryan, Kirsten started to freak out. "You actually let him go off on his own in this state?! I thought you knew better than to do that! He could be hurt!"

I roll my eyes and say, "He's fine, Kirsten. He just needs his space."

"No, what he needs is family. He doesn't know what he needs," Kirsten argues.

I shake my head and go sit on the couch. "He's fine."

"We don't even know where he is! He could be anywhere and without a car in his condition!" She starts pacing back and forth.

"I know exactly where he is," I tell her, closing my eyes.

"How?" She asks, settling down enough to sit down on the couch next to me.

I smile a little and open my eyes. "It's the same place where I go when I need to think. He's going to be alright. I'll go get him in a couple of hours. Until then, he just needs to sort things out for himself."

"You better be right about this," She says, letting out a huff.

I laugh and say, "I'm one hundred percent sure I know where he is."

"Does he know that you know?" She asks, glancing over at me.

I shake my head and say, "No, and he'll never know. He needs to think that he has the upper hand for once, and I can give that to him." I look over at the mother of the boy I love and softly say, "It's the least I can do."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**I had been sitting at the lifeguard station for two hours when I finally saw someone walking towards it. I wasn't surprised when I saw Marissa making her way up the ramp. She looked like she was out of breath and worried. "I've been looking all over for you! You had me worried sick!" She says, sitting down at the spot next to me.**

"**I didn't say you could sit down," I mumble.**

**She smiles and points out, "But you didn't say I couldn't." **

**We're quiet for a few minutes before I finally break the silence. "I can't believe it's never going to be the same, that I won't be able to walk or play like I used to."**

**She remains silent for a moment and then softly says, "I thought you wanted to be an architect."  
**

**I nod and say, "I do, but I always imagined that my kids would look up at me as the cool dad that could play basketball in the driveway with them or that can run beside them as they learn how to ride a bike." I sigh. "But now I'm just going to be the dad that got injured in war and is now boring." **

"**You're still going to be the great dad," She says softly, taking one of my hands in both of hers. I don't pull back and she smiles a little. "You're going to be the dad that all of the other dads are jealous of."**

**I shake my head and say, "No, I'm just going to be the cripple." I sigh and lean my head back against the lifeguard station. It briefly crosses my mind that if I was to kill myself then I wouldn't have to worry about this, but so far it doesn't seem like finding the gun is very likely so I'll have to deal with this for now.**

**Marissa shakes her head and says, "No, you're going to be a great husband and a great father…whoever the lucky girl is." **

**I turn and look at her to find her staring at me in that way that gives me the creeps; almost like I'm some divine being. I look down out my hand in hers and contemplate removing it, but just can't. I'm tired of being angry at her all the time. "Thanks," I murmur quietly, refusing to look at her face.**

**She leans her head on my shoulder and I tense but don't say anything. She takes this as a small victory and starts to play with my hand. She traces a line on my palm and says, "This means you're going to live a long life…and this means you're going to be married for a long time." **

"**Oh really, does it say who to?" I ask, wondering how far she'll take this game of hers.**

**She shakes her head and quietly says, "No, it could be anybody."**

**I smile slightly, happy that she didn't make this about her for once. We remain quiet for a little bit and I look down at her left hand, the promise ring catching my eye. "You still have this?" I ask, running my thumb over it. I feel shivers make their way down my spine.**

"**Yeah, I wear it everyday," She says softly. **

**I don't know if it's the way she's being so mellow or the fact that she still cares enough to publicly show that she belongs to me, but for that small moment I soften towards her. I look at her and see her staring out at the water, her head still rested on my shoulder, her hands still holding mine. I don't know why I feel the need to speak, but I find myself saying, "Thanks….for not making a big deal about everything. I know Kirsten's worried but you being so calm makes things easier."**

**She turns her head so that she's looking at me and nods. "It's no problem," She says, her eyes staring into mine. Before I know it she's looking into the depths of my heart, just like she always used to. I wonder how she managed to get past my walls today.**

**She rests her head again and lifts my hand. She presses her lips against each individual finger of mine and then takes one of my fingers and presses it to my lips. I raise my eyebrows and she giggles a little bit. "I know you don't want to hear it, but I really do love you," She says, kissing my fingers again. **

**I swallow the lump forming in my throat and say, "I know."**

**She smiles and leans in to kiss the center of my palm. Her kiss feels like a physical brand, almost as if she's making me hers. Despite my anger, I come to the conclusion that she's not as bad as I made her out to be in my head. When she pulls her lips away, I close my fist and she kisses my knuckles. I keep my fist closed until we leave, believing that maybe I could keep her kiss with me forever.**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I don't know what happened to Ryan while I was gone, but I guess he bought my "I've been searching for you for a long time," act. I drive him back to the Cohen house and when we get there he doesn't get out right away, just stares forward. "So…thanks again," He says, sounding almost nervous.

I smile and say, "It was nothing, really. Tell Kirsten I told her so though."

"Told her what?" He asks confusedly, his eyebrows furrowing together.

I laugh and say, "Nothing."

He raises his eyebrows at me and smiles a little. He looks at me for a minute before rubbing the back of his neck and saying, "So…I was thinking…"

"Mhmm?" I murmur, watching him curiously.

"Well, today, after the initial anger, turned out to be pretty nice," He admits, which I can tell is hard for him to do. I bite my lip to keep myself from smiling widely, which would probably just damage my progress.

"Yeah, I agree," I say quietly, searching his eyes.

"So I was thinking…" He trails off, looking down at his left hand in his lap. "Well, maybe it might be fun if we go to dinner sometime.."

It's almost impossible for me to contain the joy bursting out of me, but I do and say, "Oh, well, that sounds like a good idea."

He looks over at me and smiles a little. "Okay, Monday at seven? I'll pick you up?" I nod and he starts to open the door, then turns back to me. "Actually, you can drive now…why don't you pick me up?"

I smile widely and say, "Sounds great." He nods and I say, "Goodnight, Ryan."

He looks at me for a long moment, the expression in his eyes unreadable. He nods and softly says, "Goodnight, Marissa," and then walks away.


	5. Happiness is a Warm Gun

**_A/N This isn't long, and doesn't really count as its own chapter, but I felt bad for not posting in such a long time and figured that you guys deserved something, even if it happened to be something very short. I've been distracted lately. My depression is getting worse again, and pretty much everyday is a struggle. Sometimes I can write, but sometimes I just can't, so I apologize for that. I only have one week of school until Thanksgiving Break, so that should be a nice time to write. I'll probably finish up this story then. I know this is short, but please review. You have no idea how much they mean to me. So r/r, thanks!_**

**Monday rolls around before I know it, leaving me to be extremely nervous. The whole day I just sort of tried to think of a way to get out of the 'date' with Marissa, if you could even call it that. I could've used a million excuses and gotten out of my dinner with Marissa, but I guess in the end I was curious as to what it would be like after all this time. I couldn't imagine not having this dinner. In a way I guess tonight was going to decide the outcome of the rest of my life. If I could get along with Marissa, then maybe we'd get back together officially, but if not, if things were too weird, then I guess we were really over.**

**I was searching for something to wear at around five. I wanted to be ready early so that I wouldn't delay things for too long and back out. I walk into my closet and start searching for a shirt that I knew Marissa loved on me, and found a black button up that she'd once told me, "Everytime I see that on you, I want to rip it off and get into bed with you." We both happened to be horny that day. I started looking for my cologne that smelled like pine trees, because I knew she loved that scent best. I hadn't really worn it much since we were together, and the last time I remembered wearing it I had thrown the bottle carelessly into a basket filled with a bunch of other junk.**

**I started searching frantically though the various baskets in my closet, until I found one with the cologne in it. I let out a sigh of relief and picked it up when something caught my eye. Something dark. Something that resembled what I'd been searching for a while.**

**And it was Monday night as I was getting ready for a date with Marissa that I found the gun.**


	6. Be Safe

A/N Alright, this is entirely in Ryan's pov. The bold italics are flashbacks, in case you didn't know. I'll try to have the last chapter up on Wednesday, but I make no promises. Also, I have it in my profile, but I don't know if I put it on here, but I backed up the whole story of Lollypops and Letters without all the author's notes and lyrics, so it's like a complete story I guess. If anyone wants the whole story sent to them, then email me (link in my profile) and put the subject as, "Lollypops and Letters" and I'll send it to you. R/R, and look at the bottom of the page. Thanks!

_**Not kissing her after so long is pure torture. She has a habit of biting her bottom lip, which makes me lick my own in desire, wanting to be the one to lightly nip at those plump, luscious lips of hers. I talk about random things, just trying to get her to look at me. She notices the people around us staring and rolls her eyes. I know she's upset and probably embarrassed by her growing belly, but I see her as beautiful, like I always will see her. "Remember when I first came here?" Her soft, broken words pull at my heart and I want to take her into my arms, to kiss away her pain, to convince her to run away with me. "Five questions, remember?" She looks up into my eyes as she answers and I see her sorrow lodged in those beautiful peepholes to her heart. I speak about how she used to and still does run from me, but she tries to get me to stop. Something is killing her, and I want to stop that pain.**_

_**And when I kiss her, she tastes of sorrow. It's a bittersweet taste, almost the same as sour candy; at first it's strong and you make a face, but then it's the sweet and tasty. Something happens, she pulls away. I know that we're down to business. The car ride to her house is pure torture. There are mere inches separating us, but it feels as though we're miles apart. Her hand rests on her belly and I wonder if she feels the baby fluttering underneath it. **_

_**She tries to talk first, but I need to get it all off my chest. It ends with me down on one knee. "Marissa Cooper, will you marry me?"**_

_**I already know by the look in her eyes that the answer is no.**_

**Holding the gun in my hand brings back a million memories. The barrel of the gun is cold, my finger is gently rested on the trigger. The safety is on, so there won't be any freak accidents of me shooting myself when I'm not prepared. With the gun in my hand, my heart pounds erratically in my chest. This is exactly what I've been wanting for such a long time, and it's so close that I can actually feel it in my hands; cold and smooth. It would take mere seconds. One moment here, the next I'm gone. One, quick pull of the trigger and I would no longer exist.**

_**Her gaze avoids mine. I know she's afraid of staring into my eyes, but I don't know why. "It's not yours," She says softly.**_

"_**What isn't mine?" I ask, feigning innocence that neither of us possesses.**_

"_**The baby…it isn't yours," She repeats softly, and she still won't even look at me.**_

_**My heart aches, but all I can really process is the fact that Marissa is in pain, and that the monster must have caused it. "Is it his?" I ask, working my jaw. I want to kill the son of a bitch for hurting my girlfriend, for impregnating her when the only person that should have the right to do that is me.**_

_**"It doesn't matter who he belongs to. He's my baby and that's all that you need to know," She says quietly.**_

"_**He?" I ask, my voice breaking, just like my heart.**_

_**She nods and whispers, "It's a boy."**_

**One glance at the clock and I know that Marissa will be here any minute. I swallow hard and take the gun, then put it behind the pillow of my bed…for later. "Ryan?" She asks, sounding confused.**

"**Yes?" I ask, not turning to look at her just yet. I don't want to lose my cool, not when the gun is so close. I don't need her to suspect anything, not when I don't know if I'm going to use it or not.**

"**What are you doing?" She asks softly.**

**I turn to face her, offering a small, weak smile. "Nothing, just fixing the pillows a bit," I lie, a bitter taste now on my tongue. "Come on, let's go," I say, grabbing my wallet and keys.**

**She shakes her head and says, "I have something for you…" It's only then that I see she's holding something behind her back. The confused and nervous look from a moment ago vanishes and in its place is a sheepish excitement. **

**  
"Okay…what?" I ask, now slightly curious.**

**She smiles shyly and pulls a bag from behind her back. It's a bag that says, "Happy Birthday!" on it. "I missed your birthday, so I thought I could make up for it…" She says, and shrugs a little, suddenly seeming self-conscious.**

**I take the bag and place it on my bed. "Thanks…" I say awkwardly, not really up to opening it. "Can I open it later? I'm kind of starving…" **

**She nods and tries to hide her disappoint. "Yeah, that's fine," She says, and forces a smile. It makes me wonder how many smiles she forces in a day.**

**We walk to the car and I get into the passenger seat. It's still weird having her drive me around. "So what are the rules?" She asks me as we start to drive away.**

"**What rules?" I ask confusedly.**

"**The rules to how this is going to work, what are they?" She asks, her eyes briefly traveling to me before back to the road.  
**

"**I still don't understand," I reply.**

"**I mean…are we friends or are we together or are we going to start from the beginning and work our way through everything all over again?" She asks softly.  
**

**I think about this for a moment and realize she has quite the point. Where do we start? And by the sound of things, I have complete authority to go as fast as I want with everything. After contemplating it I say, "We'll be friends, I guess."  
**

**She nods and smiles weakly. I can tell she wanted more from me, but I'm not ready to offer her anything at this point, much less my heart. "So what does that mean exactly? What are we allowed to do?"**

**Again, another good question in which I have complete control in the outcome. I frown slightly and then say, "We can talk, and eat dinner together, hang out, but no kissing or intimate touching….maybe if you're lucky I'll let you hold my hand." I crack a smile, but it feels fake. She smiles a little bit, and I can tell hers is genuine. Or at least I think it is. I guess, given what she did in our past, I never really knew Marissa at all.**

_**"I can't marry you," She says, looking directly into my eyes, trying to convey the unwanted message.**_

_**I'm stubborn and I won't take no for an answer, not yet. Not without a decent fight. **_

"_**Yeah, you can. Your mom will say yes because she's going to want me to take responsibility and I don't need the Cohen's permission," I say, trying to make her see that there's always an alternative.**_

_**"Ryan, I won't marry you," She says, the word won't like a slap in the face.**_

_**I flex my jaw. "Why not? Am I not good enough?" I ask, not understanding her reasoning or logic. Was she out to make me feel like scum? Is that what she had wanted all along? Was this supposed to be some kind of payback for everything I'd ever done to hurt a girl?**_

"**Ryan, we're here," She says, yanking me out of my memories. I shake the thoughts from my head and get out of the car. We walk into the diner together and sit at our usual booth. We order and she stares at me for a long time, probably trying to figure out what I'm thinking of. "So," She says softly after about five minutes of silence.**

"**So," I repeat, my mind still a billion miles away.**

_**"If you want, I'll stay away. I'll go off to war and you can forget all about me. I'll let you stay here with that idiot and raise the son that you know we could've shared, and I'll even never talk to you or write you or see you ever again if you don't want me to."**_

_**"Ryan...I think you should go," She says, officially ripping my heart to shreds.**_

**She places her hand on top of mine. "Where are you tonight?" She asks quietly, sensing that I'm not mentally with her.**

**I shrug and say, "No where."  
**

"**It has to be somewhere important," She says, persisting.**

"**It's nowhere I want to share with you," I say bluntly, watching as she physically winces. I didn't mean for her to feel that way, but I guess I am a little out of it right now. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"**

**  
"It's fine," She says deflatedly.**

"**No, it's not, I should at least make an effort," I say with a sigh, rubbing my hand over my face.**

"**I wish you didn't have to put any effort into it, that it just came naturally like it used to," She says quietly after a minute. **

**I sigh again and say, "I don't see that happening anytime soon. Whenever I'm around you all I can think of is that night."**

"**What night?" She asks, staring into my eyes. "Tell me what you're going through, Ryan. I can be here for you now. I'm different than I was then…..I'm stronger."**

**I look away from her and at the waitress. She catches me looking and winks at me. I smile slightly. Overly flirtatious waitresses always crack me up. Why would I go hook up with a person practically throwing herself at me? "So am I," I say, and then look back at Marissa with a hard look. "So I now know how to protect my heart."**

_**It couldn't be true. She couldn't really not want to be with me anymore. She was just trying to make things easier for me or something, which was totally stupid. She wasn't thinking this through and she just needed to be forced to see how much I want and need her, and I would do that for her. I take out a piece of paper and begin to write, **_

"_**Dear Marissa,**_

_**I don't know what happened while I was gone, but it changed you. But that's not what I'm writing about. You never answered my question. Do you still love me? Because if you don't, then I'll go away, but if you do…**_

_**Tonight I'm going to go to your house and park the car outside from exactly 7:00-7:05. If you still love me, if you still care about me at all, flick your bedroom lights five times. But if you don't, then keep it dark or don't do anything at all. Just ignore me, and at 7:05 I'll go.**_

_**Regardless, I love you.**_

_**Ryan"**_

_**I stick my letter into an envelope and try to think of a good way for her to get it. I look around the room and find the backpack I was going to give to her for Christmas. I sigh and place the letter inside, then grab my keys and decide it's now or never…**_

"**You don't need to protect your heart anymore," She says with a broken voice. "I promise I'll never hurt you again."**

**I roll my eyes and sarcastically say, "Right."  
**

"**It's true," She protests. "I swear it's true, Ryan."**

**  
"You shouldn't have hurt me in the first place," I mutter bitterly, just loud enough for her to hear.**

**She sighs and says, "Ryan, I'm sorry. How many times do I need to say that?"  
**

**I sigh and say, "I don't know, okay. I just don't."  
**

"**I thought the whole point of tonight was to start rebuilding our relationship, or at least try to be friends," She says, her voice filled with pain. "I thought that's what you wanted."**

**"I don't know what I want," I say with a long sigh. "I just know that right now you're not making it any easier for me to find out."**

"_**Ryan, you're wearing sunglasses," She says, voicing what had been bothering her. I put my hand on my face and feel the glasses in place, then shrug. After everything that had been happening between us, after she'd been raped and beaten, after she'd broken up with me and completely destroyed my heart, she commented on me wearing sunglasses?**_

"_**Yeah, I guess I am."**_

"_**You said that the day you wore sunglasses was the day you lost hope in the world," She says, reminding me of our conversations late at night. Now I wish I'd never told her anything. Now I wish I'd just let her walk away from me that first day. Maybe if I had let her walk home on her own, I'd be okay.**_

"_**Maybe I have," I say with a shrug. I look into her eyes, and see that she's trying to see what's in mine. It confuses me why she feels the need to see them at all.**_

"_**You promised you would never do that," she says brokenly. Again, she's confusing me. Why did she care so much about my outlook in life?**_

"_**You said you would be here for me when I get back," I remind her, and watch her recoil at my words. I can see it in her face, the conflicting emotions. She wants me to be mad at her. She wants to feel what I have to say. What she doesn't know though is that I have nothing to say to her, not until I know how she really feels.**_

"_**Ryan, take off the glasses," She orders, taking a step towards me. Her fingers lightly touch the side of my face as she tries to pull them off and the sudden touch sends a jolt of electricity racing through my body. I back away, not wanting her to touch me anymore. I don't think I could handle it.**_

"_**Marissa, just back off okay? You lost whatever right you had to tell me what to do the other day," I say softly, showing minimal emotion for the first time that day. **_

**We're quiet, or at least I am. Marissa starts fidgeting with her food when they bring it out, but neither of us seem up to actually eating it. She sighs and I look up at her to find her staring at me with an odd expression on her face. It makes me wonder what she's thinking for just a moment, and then I figure it's better if I don't know. After just playing with our food for a while I say, "You know what, this isn't even worth it. We should just go."**

**She sighs sadly but nods in agreement. She reaches for money and I stop her. "Ryan, you always pay," She says tiredly.**

**Something about that sentence makes me shiver. That's right, I always do pay…for everything, for every mistake and everything anyone has ever done. "I'm still going to pay now though," I say, getting out my money and putting it on the table. I don't bother to look at her or ask for the check because we've eaten the same thing so many times I have the amount etched in my mind. I stand and slowly limp to the door, then walk out of the diner.**

**The darkness reflects my inner emotions; gloom and uncertainty. I didn't know what my future was, but the best possible thing I could come up with was my lifeless body being lowered into the ground. After all, I couldn't even get through one dinner with Marissa, so how could I go through a lifetime of it? And how could I spend a lifetime with anyone else but her? The thought repulses me more than anything else, and I wonder why that is, but don't let myself expand on the thought. All I knew was that this life wasn't enough right now. I wanted more, but I didn't know exactly what more was.**

"_**Ryan, I can't let you leave like this." She pulls me to face her and takes off my sunglasses. "I loved you."**_

"_**Loved," I repeat, my voice back to the earlier numbness.**_

"_**Ryan I--" She looks so broken, so fragile, so upset. I search her eyes, trying to find the answer that I'd been waiting for. Maybe she did love me. Maybe she did need me and want me. Maybe this was all just a misunderstanding. I hear someone but don't look, immediately knowing the jerk is here. She shuts her mouth and visibly flinches. Did he notice the hate in her eyes when he was near?  
**_

"_**Ryan, you're here," Steve says. Marissa stares into my eyes and it looks like she's trying to tell me something, but I don't know what. Why couldn't she just say it?**_

"_**You were going to say something," I prompt, staring at her just as she stared at me.**_

_**She nods. "Yeah, I was." Steve's hand goes to her shoulder and she takes a step towards him, creating a small yet infinitely large gap in between us. "But it's not important anymore."**_

_**I look up at Steve, noticing my defeat. "I got you the backpack because I won't be here to carry your books anymore." I turn and leave, leaving my heart behind me.**_

**Marissa unlocks the door and I get into the passenger side. She drives me home and we remain silent, the gap between us now too big to fill. It makes me wonder how people can go from being as close as humanly possible to another person both physically and emotionally, then suddenly not find a single good thing to say. Or at least how I can go that way. When we reach the Cohen house, she turns off the car and we both just sit there, the silence and darkness falling heavily upon us. "I didn't mean for tonight to end this way," I say after a minute, still looking forward.**

"**Then why did it?" She asks, her voice not loud enough to even count as a whisper. "Why did you let it?"  
**

**I shrug and say, "I don't know. I didn't mean to hurt you, it wasn't ever my intention. Or at least it wasn't tonight." I sigh and close my eyes for a moment, rubbing them with my thumb and index finger. **

"**What was the point of any of this?" She asks after a minute.**

"**To see if I could go back to the way we used to be…to the way I used to be," I admit with a heavy sigh. **

"**And you can't," She says, more of a defeated statement than question.**

**I shake my head and softly say, "I can't pretend the past didn't happen, because it did and I'm reminded of it every single day, just like you are. I can't pretend you didn't break my heart, and I can't just close my eyes and make it all go away."**

"**You can do anything if you tried hard enough," She protests, or at least attempts to. Her words are weak and deflated. Whatever hope I'd given her at the beginning of the night had now died.**

**I shake my head again. "It's not going to work, Marissa," I say, the final verdict.**

**She slumps in the driver's seat and I turn to look at her. The tears in her eyes reflect the moon and she bites her lips, probably trying to stay strong. "I love you, Ryan," She says, her voice soft and sweet. "I always loved you. I never wanted to hurt you, I never would've done this if I knew that it would cause you so much pain. I just wanted you to have the life that I knew you deserved, and it was obvious I could never give it to you, especially with Steve always there to shoot me down. I just…I don't want to let you go. Not again. Last time was hard enough."**

**  
I don't say anything for a moment, just stare at her try to compose herself. She turns to look at me, feeling my gaze, and our eyes lock just the way they used to. And then I speak. "I'm not who I used to be. I'm not what you want. Whatever you meant to me is gone now." I undo my seatbelt and sigh. "Marissa, I don't love you anymore."**

**It doesn't hurt to say this, or even to watch her crumble beneath the weight of my words. Instead I feel better than ever before, because I'm finally free of her. I'm finally set free. "Ryan, you don't mean that," She says, or rather, begs.**

**I open the door and get out of the car. "Don't bother me anymore. We tried, and it would've never worked anyways." I softly shut the door behind me and walk away, leaving a broken hearted Marissa staring after me.**

_**It was only five minutes, but it felt more like a lifetime passing by. It was composed of seconds that took years to live out, and minutes that took centuries to complete. And when it was over, I felt as if I was a thousand years old. I drove back home and suddenly knew that she didn't love me anymore. That she had never loved me. That she never would love me.**_

**When I enter the main Cohen house to get something to eat a little while later, Seth comes in and asks, "What are you doing eating some more? Weren't you and Marissa supposed to go out tonight? I thought you guys would be getting down and dirty in the pool house by now…wait, is she in there now?!" He grinned and gave an overly exaggerated wink.**

"**No, Seth, she's not in the pool house," I say with a sigh and roll of my eyes.**

"**Then you sent her home?" He asks with a raise of his eyebrows. "That's not very chivalrous, to take advantage of a girl's body and then make her leave."  
**

**I tiredly stare at Seth and try very hard not to punch the guy out. "I didn't take her to the pool house, and before you ask, no we didn't do it in the car…or her mom's house….or anywhere. We went to dinner, but we left early without eating."**

"**Then what did you guys do?" He asks, completely confused and baffled.**

**  
"We officially ended whatever we were trying to start," I say and then take a bite of my bagel. **

**Kirsten walks into the room and says, "Ryan, what a surprise! I didn't expect you to be back so early…or in the kitchen at least…" She frowns and looks at Seth.**

"**Ryan and Marissa ended their non-relationship," Seth informs her, earning him a death glare from me.**

**  
"What?!" Kirsten practically shouts. She looks at me with a frown and asks, "Why did that happen?"  
**

**I sigh and say, "It never would've worked out."  
**

**She rolls her eyes and says, "And what led you to that conclusion? Was it the way she stood by your side when you would have nothing to do with her? Was it that she let you call her all these bad names and talk trash about her as if she wasn't there? Was it because she told you that she loved you? Was it because she let you have space when you needed it most?" She glared and her eyes hardened. "Or maybe it was the way she wrote you letters when you were gone, saved them, and bound them together for your birthday."**

"**She…what?" I ask, clearly confused.**

**"You didn't even open her birthday present?" Kirsten asked with a disappointed sigh. I shake my head and she says, "She worked hours on that thing, Ryan, and so did I. We tried to put them in chronological order and make sure they were all there and readable."**

"**Why didn't she just send me the letters?" I ask, still confused.**

**  
She looks at me as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Steve threatened her, he abused her, he raped her…and you think he'd let her send you letters?"  
**

"**Why didn't she send them on her own or give them to you to send them?" I ask, not buying into her excuses.  
**

"**She was young and scared, do you think you would figure everything out on your own then?" She asks, giving me a measured look. **

"**It doesn't make sense," I say.**

"**You're right, it doesn't," She agrees. "It doesn't make sense why you ended it with a girl who loves you unconditionally that I know you love in return." She storms out of the room, leaving me and Seth all alone.**

"**I'm with her," Seth says, pointing back at Kirsten.**

"**Oh, so you're ditching me too?" I ask angrily.**

**He shakes his head and sighs. "Ryan, do you seriously enjoy being miserable?"  
**

**I shake my head and say, "No, of course not."  
**

"**You sure act like you do. You're losing the girl over your dreams because of your pride. Sure she hurt you, but Ryan, you've hurt her also."**

**  
"I never hurt her," I say, clenching my jaw tightly.**

**He laughs and says, "What world are you living in? You've hurt her. What do you call joining the Army? Or asking to be shipped to Iraq? Or breaking up with her just now." He sighs and rolls his eyes. "I honestly think you like getting hurt."**

"**I don't," I say, just as angrily.**

"**Dude, Ryan, this is your life, and it's ending one second at time. Tick. Tick. Tick." He turns to leave. "So why don't you find something to do with it?"**

_**I enter the pool house and kick off my shoes deflatedly. I walk further in and collapse on the bed. I glance over at the picture on my nightstand and pick it up, staring at it. I sigh and murmur, "Why?"**_

_**I put the picture back on the nightstand and try not to get too upset at her. I could respect her decision. If she wanted distance, then I'd give it to her. I didn't need her, and she obviously didn't need me, so what was the point of getting all worked up? I stare at the ceiling and remember a time when we were together and happy. Of when she was in my arms and I could hold her against my body as if she was mine, because quite simply she was. What happened to that? Why?**_

_**I look down at my ring finger and realize that I'll never have a gold wedding band there placed by her. I'd never have anything that showed that I was hers, because I was no longer hers. I close my eyes and pound hard on the mattress next to me. I pound until I no longer hurt. I pound until her voice inside my head disappears. I pound until I'm too tired to pound anymore. And as I slowly fall asleep, can't help but wonder, "why?"**_

**The minute I get into the pool house, I go straight towards the present she'd given me. I open it and pull out the book. She'd really had all of it bound together. Every single letter she'd written me. It added up to over two hundred, or at least it seemed that way. Some were long. Some were short. Some were a single phrase. Some were a short story. Some told of the pain, some reminisced about the happier times. But every single one of them was directed to my heart. Every single one of them showed how much she'd cared.**

_Dear Ryan,_

_I'm sorry. I can't even begin to explain how sorry I am. I wanted to flick the lights, I really did. I just got there too late. Steve kept me held up at the bottom of the stairs. I think he knew that you wanted me to flick the lights. I don't know how he did, but he's evil and sinister that way. I can't believe I missed you. I can't believe you don't know how I really feel._

_I wish I could send the letters, but as I told you before, I can't. I can't put my son in danger, and if Steve found out about any of this, he'd surely kill the baby growing inside of me. Though he was conceived in a horrible way, he's still a part of me, and I need to keep him safe. _

_I don't really know what more I can say. I do love you. I love you more than anyone could ever possibly love another person. I need you. Gosh, I'm so lost without you._

_Marissa_

**The letter was dated the day before I was shipped off for Iraq. I read this one over and over again, memorizing the words on the page. I put the book aside and placed my head in my hands, feeling the enormous amounts of love radiating off the page. So she had tried to tell me she loved me. So she had cared.**

**So she _still did _care. **

**I suddenly know which decision is best. I reach behind my pillow and pull out the gun that could easily solve all of my problems. That I could point at my head, take off the safety, pull the trigger, and suddenly be gone. In a moment I'd seize to exist, just like I'd always wanted.**

**Except, I didn't.**

**I take the gun and put it into a basket in my closet under a bunch of clothes, where it belonged, and then walked out of the pool house feeling like a new man. I walk into the Cohen house and find Kirsten in the living room, staring blankly at the television. I sit next to her and she refuses to look over at me until I softly say, "I was wrong." This gets her attention and she stares over at me. "I never should've broken up with Marissa. I love her."**

**The smile on her face is real and genuine. She throws her arms around me and says, "Now we're talking!"**

**I laugh and softly say, "Can you help me win her back?"**

**She grins and says, "Okay, this is my plan…" So there it begins; the plan to the beginning of my happily-ever-after.**

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_**Individual Responses:**_

Girlz-rule: We haven't really talked in a while, huh? I thought that's a really cool idea. I sadly, feel that there aren't any people near me that really do love me. And if they do, they have a sucky way of showing it.

Thekiller00: Guess not.

Elly: Aw, happy belated birthday. This break so far isn't working. If anything, my depression is worse than ever, because now I'm forced to stay around my family who are the cause of my emotional problems.

Juzzy88: So how'd you like it?

J7chick18: You struggle with depression? If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. I'm told I help, but I dunno. The option's always there.

G: You're pretty awesome yourself, G.

sailaway: I know you don't understand why I'm feeling sad, but it's pretty bad. I try to focus on things that make me happy, but there's hardly anything. But anyways, onto a lighter topic, how would you like me to write a one-shot based off of the song, 'I saw mommy kissing santa claus'?


	7. Hard To Say I'm Sorry

_A/N So here is the final chapter. I don't like it, but oh well, I was in a major rush to finish it today. I don't know what I'm going to write next, but I don't think I'm going to do the third AE. I don't even remember what I was going to write for it, so don't count on seeing it any time soon, if at all. But anyways, I hope that you guys enjoyed this, and look out to see what I'll continue next! _

**Kirsten's plan was a good one, but I was still afraid that Marissa wouldn't want me anymore. I had hurt her badly and knew that I didn't deserve another chance with her after everything, but I still wanted her so much, so I figured I needed to swallow my fears and follow the plan. The first part had already been completed; sending her an invitation to a party the Cohens were throwing. Kirsten had come up with the party idea, saying that I needed a way to get her near me without seeming too obvious with my intentions, and she loved to throw a party so it was settled. **

**Now it was time to set in motion the second part; ensuring that she comes. I get my cell phone and find Summer's number in my contact list, then press dial and put the phone to my ear. She answers on the second ring and says, "Hello?"**

"**Um, hey, Summer…" I say nervously.**

"**Ryan?" She asks, utterly confused. **

"**Yeah, it's me," I say awkwardly.**

"**What are you calling for?" She asks curiously. **

"**I need you to do me a favor," I state with a sigh. "And I know that I don't deserve anything after what I did to Marissa…"**

"**You're damn right you don't deserve anything!" she practically yells in to the phone. "You broke my best friend's heart. She didn't stop crying for days."**

**I close my eyes and imagine the tears flowing down Marissa's beautiful face and feel an ache in my heart knowing that I put those tears there. "I'm sorry," I say, my voice very broken.**

"**Sorry doesn't cut it. I shouldn't even listen to you right now. And you have the nerve to ask me for a favor…"**

"**I love her," I blurt out before I can help it. This silences Summer. "Is she there right now?"  
**

"**No, she's at home," Summer says quietly.**

**I let out a sigh of relief. "Okay, so I know that I was wrong, but I want her back. I need her back." I groan and say, "I miss her. I was so stupid for telling her I don't love her, because I do and I want her back so much…"  
**

"**What do you want me to do about it?" Summer asks with a torn voice. **

"**You know the party at my house?" I ask.**

"**Yeah…"  
**

"**Make sure she goes. I don't care what it takes to get her there," I say with a small smile. "I have a plan…"**

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**The day of the party I was so anxious that I couldn't do anything. I had to force myself to eat, and Seth continually rolled his eyes and made fun of me. Kirsten got mad at him and that shut him up for the rest of the day.**

**That night as I was getting ready I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I seemed to have grown so much older this past year. Gone was the boy who had fallen head over heels in love with the girl, and in his place stood a man taller and stronger, both physically and emotionally. My face told a story of someone that had lost and found love. But for the first time in months, my face held something that I had thought I would never see again in my eyes; hope.**

**People started arriving at seven. I stood near the staircase as Kirsten greeted them, waiting anxiously for only one person. Marissa arrived at around seven thirty with Summer, Larry, and her mom. I stood behind while Kirsten greeted her. "Marissa, I'm so glad you came!" She says, giving the woman of my dreams a hug.**

"**Well at least one person is," Marissa says quietly, earning a sigh from Kirsten.**

**I walk out of my hiding place towards the two of them. Kirsten immediately sees me and smiles widely. "I wouldn't be so sure…" Marissa turns to meet where Kirsten's eyes are directed, and her eyes connect with mine. My heart beats hard in my chest and I nervously put my hands in my pockets as I stop before her. Kirsten leaves quickly after saying, "Well, I'll let you two be…" I watch her go and then my eyes fall on Marissa again.**

I had forgotten how handsome he was in a suit. The sight of him standing before me makes me lose my breath. In that moment I have to remind myself how to breathe. He looks into my eyes intently, but his expression is unreadable. He doesn't smile, just stands there staring at me for the longest time before I break the silence and apologize. "Kirsten invited me, I shouldn't have come…" I look away from his eyes. I start to step further into the house after hearing the doorbell ring. As I'm walking away from him, he places his hand on my arm, the warmth sending shivers throughout my whole body.

My heartbeat triples in pace as I feel his breath against my ear. "Maybe it was me," he murmurs, his voice low and completely seductive.

I turn to answer him, but he's opening the door and greeting the guests that had just arrived. He turns back to me while hugging someone politely and our eyes catch. I look away and walk towards Summer, completely confused at the play of events.

**My hand was still tingling from where I'd touched her arm, and my heart wouldn't slow down. I watched her as she talked to Summer with a frown on her face. I smiled slightly as her arms waved around frantically while she tried to explain something. Summer looked just as confused as her, but she didn't say much of anything. I had made her promise not to say anything about me asking specifically for her to arrive at the party. Seth came and walked over to me. "So how's it going?" He asked, taking a sip of his drink.**

**I turned to him and said, "It's going great so far, now it's time for your part."**

**Seth rolled his eyes. "Why do I have to dance with her again?"**

**I shrugged and said, "It would ease her onto the dance floor."  
**

"**And why can't you just tell her how you feel?" He asked with a raise of his eyebrows.**

**  
That was a good question. And I honestly didn't know the answer. "It's not that simple…" I say with a frown.**

**Seth rolls his eyes. "Making her dance with me, then you…I just don't get the appeal."**

"**Well, I hate to dance," I say with a sigh. "And dancing with her….wouldn't that prove how much I love her? I wouldn't dance with her if I hate both dancing and her, after all."**

Seth rolled his eyes and patted my shoulder. "Whatever you say, buddy. But just a warning, I have some mad dancing skills, so she may end up falling in love with me on the dance floor…" I roll my eyes and watch him walk away.

I was talking to Seth when there was a tap on my shoulder. I knew it wasn't Ryan by the way my body didn't respond to the person. I turned to look at whoever was there and saw Seth smiling down at me. "Hey, Marissa…wanna dance?"

I raise an eyebrow and say, "Okay…"

He smiles and sticks out his hand. "Come on, I have some amazing dance skills that I really think you'd like to see." He winks at me and I laugh.

I hand my drink to Summer and say, "I'll be back in a little bit." I take Seth's hand and he leads me to an area where some people are dancing. We get into a comfortable dancing position with a few inches separating us and start to dance in silence. Finally, after a while I ask, "How's Ryan?"

Seth sighs and twirls me around. When I'm face to face with him again he says, "Well, he's been better. We worry about him sometimes. This has just been a hard year on him."

We dance for a couple of seconds more before I softly say, "I wish there was something I could do to make him see that I never meant to hurt him…" Seth gets a wide smile on his face looking behind me and then twirls me again, letting go of my hand. I land in a pair of strong arms and immediately my heart beat increases. Ryan looks down at me with a blank expression. "Um, sorry…" I mumble, getting slightly embarrassed.

Ryan shakes his head and his face twists into one of contentment. "Do you mind if I steal your dance partner?" He asks, his question aimed at Seth but his eyes never stray from mine.

Seth shakes his head and says, "Go ahead." He walks away, leaving me in Ryan's arms.

Ryan angles his head at me and softly says, "You're supposed to put your arms around my neck." He smiles just a little and I feel my stomach flutter. I wrap my arms around his neck, keeping a large amount of space between us. He takes a step closer to me, his hands resting on my waist. "You don't have to be so far away…"

My arms tighten around his neck and suddenly my senses are invaded by him. We're so close that I can feel the heat radiating from his body, and so close that I can smell his sweet cologne. Our bodies sway to the music and I lean in to rest my head against his shoulder, not able to keep away from him any longer.

**Holding her against me makes me realize how stupid it was to stay away. I turn my head so that I can smell her hair and my nostrils are invaded by the smell of her lavender shampoo. I could close my eyes in that moment and die a happy man, with her in my arms. My heart beats loud in my chest as I say, "I've missed you."**

**She goes rigid in my arms and stops moving. She pulls back and stares into my eyes, her own confused but hopeful. "You…what?" She asks incredulously.**

"**I've missed you," I repeat, my voice strong and firm. "Marissa, I…"**

**She pulls away from me as the song ends and says, "I need to um…go check on Larry…" She walks away from me, leaving me gaping behind her. I sigh and realize this is going to be harder than I'd previously expected.**

**I go to find Kirsten and she smiles at me. "How's it going?"  
**

**I sigh and say, "She walked away from me right before I told her what I felt."  
**

**She frowns. "That wasn't part of the plan."  
**

"**I think this isn't a very good plan," I say with a frown of my own.**

"**It's not a very extravagant plan, but it's a good one. Just improvise; all you need to do is tell her how you feel. It doesn't matter if you do that dancing or just come out and tell her," Kirsten says, and then walks away to talk to some guests.**

**I sigh and then decide to go in search of Marissa. I find her sitting a little farther away from the backyard, but still in the Cohen property. I slowly walk towards her, not able to get over the fact that she's so beautiful and I had sent her away. When I reach her I sit next to her and softly say, "Hey."**

**She glances over at me quickly and softly replies, "Hey."  
**

**Her face illuminated by the moon is almost majestic. It makes me want to stick out my hand and just touch the side of her face to see if she's as smooth and soft as I remember. And those lips…**

He stares at me, but I don't really know what he sees. His mind seems to be far away, but I wished it was here on Earth with me. Suddenly his eyes look down and I know he's back here with me on this planet. "So how do you like the party?" he asks, and then frowns.

"It's fine," I reply quietly.

"Kirsten has wanted to throw one for a while," he says with a shrug. "Ever since I got back she wanted to show everyone that I was alive and breathing."

I nod and remain quiet for a few minutes. He continues to look at me with a weird expression and it makes me remember how he used to look at me with so much love and adoration in his eyes. This look is similar, but different in some way. "How have you been feeling?"

He shrugs and says, "Fine for the most part. It still hurts to walk sometimes, and I feel frustrated a lot….but I'm okay." He pauses and then returns the question to me. "How about you?"

"I don't have an injury like yours," I say softly, and it's true. The only part of me that's been aching is my heart.

He seems to sense what I'm thinking because his face softens and he gets a troubled look in his eyes. "Marissa…" he murmurs, my name sounding soft and sweet on his lips.

"Look, I know that I was stupid to believe that we had a chance to even go back to being friends," I say quietly, avoiding his eyes.

"No, it's not stupid…"

I nod and say, "Yeah, it is. And I get why you don't want to be with me anymore. I wouldn't want to be with me either, if I was you."

He shakes his head, the motion evident from the corner of my eyes. "No, really…"

I nod again and say, "I get everything that you said. I'm sorry I ever thought that you could love me after everything I've put you through. Since it's what you want, I'll let you go…"

"It's not what I want," he says, and my heart stops for a second.

"What?" I ask softly, my voice clipped and broken.

"I don't want you out of my life," He says. His words make me turn to stare into those eyes of his that I love so much.

"You don't have to say that to make me feel better about myself, Ryan," I protest with a sigh. "I don't deserve it."

"I'm not doing it to make you feel better about yourself," He replies, still looking at me intently.

"Yes, you are. I know you are. I don't deserve…" I hear a groan and then suddenly his lips are on mine.

**She could be so stubborn sometimes. The woman seriously drove me crazy. **

**Her lips were soft and every bit as delicious as I remembered. I put my hand on the side of her face and rub her cheek tenderly, my body feeling like it's floating. I pull back a little and rest my forehead against hers, and she finishes her statement, "you." I smile and look into her eyes, seeing the confusion there. "What…" I stop her from finishing her thought yet again, pressing my lips tenderly against hers. **

**When I pull back I say, "Marissa, I love you."**

**The bewilderment in her eyes makes me chuckle slightly. "But you said…"**

**I nod and sigh. "I know, I was wrong. I thought that I didn't need you…"**

"**So you lied to me?" She asks, her voice barely a whisper. "You put me through all that pain for nothing?"**

**I sigh and kiss her lips again, but she's not into it. "I'm sorry," I murmur. "Please forgive me…I thought I could live without you but I can't. Not anymore."**

**She sighs and it's only then that I see she's starting to cry. "I…" She says, but then she trails off.**

**I kneel in front of her and put my hands on both sides of her face so that she can look into my eyes. "I know I'm a jerk and I never should've left you in the first place." I kiss away some of her tears and this makes her cry harder. "Don't cry, please don't cry," I beg her.**

**Her voice comes in a hiccup. "I…" She repeats.**

**When she doesn't say anything else I ask, "You what?"**

"**I love you too," she murmurs softly, putting her hands on my face. She looks at me for the longest time and then smiles through her tears. **

**I smile widely and lean in to kiss her once again, this time more passionately. She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me down onto her, lying back on the ground. She slips her tongue into my mouth and I taste her for the first time in such a long time that I kiss her harder, causing her to moan. "Maybe we shouldn't go this fast…" I say, pulling away from her. She pulls me back down to her lips and I laugh a little. **

"**How about this?" She asks, kissing me slowly.**

**I give a throaty moan and she giggles. "The things you do to me…"**

**She pulls back and stares into my eyes happily. "Maybe we should take it to the pool house though." She raises her eyebrows suggestively.**

**I lean in to capture her lips again. "Maybe we should wait until they leave…" I murmur against her lips, referring to the people still at the party.**

**She nods and pulls away. "Yeah, that sounds good."**

**I start to climb up off of her but she pulls me back down. I laugh and say, "Come on, we need to go back."**

**She kisses me one last time and then allows me to stand and help her up. I wrap my arm around her waist and we walk up to the hill, finally together.**

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**When everyone left we went into the pool house together. I figured it would be awkward after so long, but we fit together just as perfectly as we used to. While I moved inside of her and kissed her sweaty body, she moaned my name and dug her nails into my back. It wasn't long before we both came together and I collapsed on the spot next to her. She smiled and leaned in to kiss me slowly after we regained our normal breathing. "I love you," She murmurs as she stares into my eyes.**

He tells me he loves me too and then we just hold each other for a while. Suddenly he turns to me and blurts out, "I tried to kill myself." He nods to confirm his statement and then softly says, "Twice." I don't say anything, sensing he needs to talk, but I hold him closer to me, letting him rest his head on my chest. "The first time my gun jammed…it was ready and everything though. It was the day before I got shot. The second time was that night that I told you I didn't love you. I didn't really point the gun at myself, but I thought about it and almost did. I just couldn't live without you…" He turns his face and buries it in my neck. "I'm so sorry…"

I lean down and kiss the top of his head gently, and run my fingers tenderly through his hair. "It's okay," I murmur, my voice more firm than I thought it would be. "I'm here now." I keep murmuring to him until he calms down, and when his breathing evens out I know he's asleep.

I stay there for about an hour, just listening to him breathing. I stroke his face tenderly, marveling at the fact that he's now mine. I knew then staring down at him that we would never be separated again. Neither of us could handle it. It amazes me at how the roles were reversed. While before Ryan had saved me from wanting to kill myself, now I had saved Ryan. I guess in a way, we were both equal now.

I kiss his forehead tenderly before I disentangle myself from his body. I put on my clothes, but make sure I remain quiet so that he doesn't wake up. I smile and write a note for him, one that said I had to go home to make sure Larry was okay and take care of him. As I walked out of the pool house I smiled. I couldn't wait to see him tomorrow.

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Individual replies:

thekiller00: I hope this was alright.

Juzzy88: Why thank you.

elly: I had a plan all figured out, and then, well, I lost it…so he kind of didn't really have a plan anymore, lol.

girlz-rule: lol, I told you! And so did your sister! But_ no_, you wouldn't listen to us!

J7chick18: Well that's good that you're getting better. If only I can now.

sailaway: It's very easy to be depressed at the age of 14. Even my grandma seems to be against me now. She told me that she hopes I have an abusive husband when I grow up. How would _you_ feel after that? Emails don't show up in reviews. I'll post the link in my profile so that you can see it clearly. It'll be at the very top of the page. I'll try to write a one-shot soon.


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